Thursday, June 28, 2012

Such a Difficult Love

As I am writing this tonight, I am in the midst of a deep emotional struggle.  Tomorrow morning is my father's retirement ceremony.  He will be retiring from the United States Navy after 20 years of service.  I have never known life without my father in the military, so this is a significant event, to say the least.  That, however, is only a piece to the puzzle.

As I have shared in past posts, my father is not the man of my household.  He does not live with us and hasn't done so in going on 2 years now.  My relationship with him is thin, stretched only when he insists we spend time together.  This is because I have lost much respect for him because of what I feel to be a deep betrayal against my family.  That aside, my time with him is awkward because he no longer knows me.  He loves me still and does care about what I do with my life, but he has chosen not to be a part of it.  He has removed himself from my mom's life completely and my sister and I see him from time to time.  He sees my sister more so because she is younger and doesn't have as much of a choice.

All this being said, my family has endured the military life for 20 years as a family.  As one.  My mom, who has supported my father's career longer than anyone else in the world, is not invited to his retirement ceremony.  Not that she'd go if she was invited, but it strikes me hard when I realize that this should be a great and happy day for my family, and yet the only one who is looking forward to it is my father.  Out of respect of his position as my father, and the fact that I have put up with the Navy all my life, I am attending the ceremony along with my sister.

Tonight, as I pick out nice clothes to wear tomorrow, I feel more alone and abandoned by my father than I ever have since the day I watched him drive away almost 2 years ago.  I want to support him and be happy for him in his success, especially feeling that part of it is my success as well...but it is difficult.  This is one of those times when love hurts.

When I was a child, crying was not a normal thing, but it certainly wasn't unheard of.  I had plenty of childhood heartbreaks.  As a teen, those hurts continued, and the tears were still an occasional part of my grieving process. But in recent years, my heart has endured tragedy and betrayal in such a deep way, that is has grown hard.  Tears do not fall often because life's curveballs just don't do much to you after you've watched your father pack his things and drive away with barely an hour's notice. 

But tonight I cry.  Tonight my heart breaks open the way it did when my father left.  Right now, loving my father is the hardest thing I could possibly do.  I want to hate him for being happy in his life, for daring to retire and leave my mom out in the cold when he wouldn't have made it as far as he did without her support.  I want to strangle him for continuing to push himself in my sister's life and forcing her to remain torn between spending time with him and my mom.  I want him to realize how much he has belittled himself in my eyes for turning his back on everything he told me was expected of a man.  My dad is long gone and I am left with a shell of who he once was.

It is for this shell of a man that I go tomorrow to "celebrate".  I am torn on the inside and tomorrow I shall wear the saddest smile I have ever faked.  I will shake hands with all my father's coworkers and new buddies that I have never met and thank them for coming.  I shall hug my distant relatives on his side of the family who I was never close to and tell them I'm glad to see them.  I will look after my sister who will also suffer a great sense of loneliness and be the big brother she needs me to be.  I will love my father and fake it for his sake, though he deserves nothing from me at this point. 

This is the most difficult love I have ever felt.  I go to support, smile, and celebrate with the source of the greatest pain I have ever experienced.  I've been cut before, but never have I been expected to bare my chest and take the blows with a smile.

I can only pray that one day my father realizes what it is I suffer for him tomorrow.  He does not truly know what he asks of me and my sister.  But this is showing me that the reality of my father never coming back is a very possible reality and its time to stop waiting on him to come take up his responsibility again.  My house needs a man to lead it and my mom should not have to carry this burden alone.  It is time for me to step up.  To take my father's place...


If you had told me when we still lived in Virginia that in 2 years, I would be trying to shoulder the responsibilities that the man of the house is expected to bear, I wouldn't have believed you.  For the first time, I can grasp the realities of what Christ went through on the cross, offering Himself up for those He loved, even as they insulted, hurt, and refused to trust Him.  I know that Jesus knows this pain and betrayal and I shall draw close to Him in this.

This is such a difficult love...but Jesus endured, and so I push on.  And I know I can endure even more than what I've been given.  Time to rise up as a man and stretch my breaking point.  My family needs me.

How hard are you willing to love?

Monday, June 25, 2012

The Worthy King

We have many names for God.  We call Him a great number of things, and many of them are true.  We call Him Lord, for He is indeed the master and one who has full authority.  We call Him Father, for it is true that He has adopted believers into His family and we have been made children of God according to the truth of Scripture.  We call Him our Savior, for the great news of Scripture is that Christ stepped down from the throne to save us from eternal separation from Him!  We also call Him our Provider, our Protector, even our Friend.  All of these are true.  But there is one title that has always stood out to me.  I believe it is meant to stand out.  God is, above all else, our King.

Revelation 19 calls Him the "King of all kings and Lord of all lords".  In my heart, I know that all too often I am quite comfortable with God being my Provider, my Savior, my Friend.  These are things in which God is doing something for me.  He is providing for me, saving me, befriending me.  It is easy to get cozy feelings from these things.  But to proclaim Him to be my Lord and King, is something that takes on a different meaning.  No longer is God seen to be serving me, but now such a title implies that I serve Him.  There is a different weight to such a title.

My understanding of this continues to grow with each day, but I can see clearly from Scripture that Christ is my King first, all else second.  That is to say, if I am openly rebelling against Him, there are benefits I will miss out on.  Christ, being the just and right King that He is, does not reward wickedness.  He does not tolerate sin.  You don't have to look any further than the cross to see confirmation about that.  For you see, Christ's work on the cross was not just about how much He loves us, but also about just how far He is willing to go to slam the door on sin.  It was for the sake of love that He died.  It was the for the sake of justice that He rose again and re-claimed His place at the right hand of God.

Jesus Christ is King and upholds His righteousness and perfection.  And He rewards His servants who follow hard after Him and pursue those virtues.  And when we fall in our pursuit of those things, He offers us grace, knowing we will never be perfect on this side of eternity. However, when we stray away and pursue others gods and idols, we fall away from right standing with the King!  He does not stop loving us and He does not withhold His grace in allowing us back into the fold when we return to His presence, but He cannot bless us, teach us, or use us in the way He desires to when we are not chasing after His goodness.

It is starting to sink into my heart and my soul about the real depth of what it means that Christ is my King.  When He commands something of me, it is not the authority of a college professor.  It is not merely an educated suggestion or a wise opinion counseling me.  It is my King commanding me!

 I have been on a kick about choices on this blog lately.  This post ties right on in.  If I am serious about Christ being King, then when the King commands, the servant listens.  The consequences for disobedience are serious, though we like to ignore that part.  God is not a tyrant, but He upholds justice and demands obedience.  And is He not worthy and deserving of such loyalty?  As if creating the universe was not enough to make Him worthy of worship, He also stepped between us and the punishment due to us, paid that debt, and then created a bridge to Himself where there once was a gap.  He made it possible for us to know Him personally and be His kin, when before His act on our behalf, we were His enemies!  Yes, He is worthy to be King and He is worthy of our lives and our obedience.

When I "became saved" as we like to call it in our Christian vocabulary, I made a confession of Jesus being my Lord and Savior.  Scripture teaches that the two titles go hand-in-hand.  If Jesus saved me, then He is my Lord.  If He is my Lord, then I am saved.  It is dangerous to believe that Jesus is your Savior if you do not express Him as Lord.

If He is my Lord, then I owe Him loyalty as a servant owes his King the same loyalty.  There is no room for a lukewarm "God is King on Sundays, but the rest of week I am my own person" mindset.  And yet so many Christians are comfortable living this way.  When the Israelites of the Old Testament fell into that mindset, their loyalties became divided.  They didn't cast God out, but they made Him compete with other things.  When this happened, He would allow them to fall into captivity and become prisoners of their enemies until they laid aside their idols and worshiped Him alone.  the 21st Century American Christian cannot imagine God doing something like to them and so they are comfortable not giving Christ their absolute loyalty and obedience.  They are okay putting on a mask for Sunday mornings and then living however they desire the rest of the time.  I fear that when Christ returns to claim His own, many of those people will be alarmed when God does not count them among His own!  The Body of Christ is no place for hypocrites and the half-committed.

To conclude, knowing that Jesus is King should have some weight to it in our lives.  There should be a reverence for God, who freed us and allowed us the Honor of serving Him and being a part of His family.  There should be a joy for those same reasons.  There should also be a careful study of God's commands and a seeking of His character so that we might serve Him faithfully.  If you do not revere God, find your joy in Him, or study His word to better know Him and know His commands, then Christ is probably not your King.  You are probably still enslaved to Satan and your own sin nature.  Invite Jesus to come and break you free from that.  Let Him be King.

We will always have a master.  Someone will always be acting as king over us.  But there is only one worthy King.  Serve Him and live abundantly. 



Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Man in the Mirror

Have you ever walked past a mirror, saw the reflection of yourself out of the corner of your eye and had to do a double-take because you didn't recognize yourself?  Well last night I experienced something like that.  It was probably around 3:00 or 3:30am and I went into the bathroom for a drink of water.  While pouring my cup, I looked up in the mirror and saw the reflection of myself.

It has been said that the eyes are the windows to your soul...well, I'll admit it; I leaned in and looked myself in the eye, my face only a foot away from the mirror and stared for about 10 minutes.  I know what I look like, but for a moment, I thought I glimpsed who I was.  I stared as deep into my own eyes as one could possibly stare, strangely anxious for answers.

You see, there is something inside of me that few have the discernment to see.  The potential man I can become.  I look inside myself and I see the potential for greatness.  I see a destiny that God has laid out for me and I see myself striving for righteousness through obedience to His commands.  I see a strong warrior for the cause of Christ.  A man of God.

Then a moment passes and I can see someone completely different even as I stare into the same face.  I see a villain.  A destructive, selfish, and perverted man.  I see the potential for me to turn my back on God, on my beliefs, and on those who love me.  I see a hollow shell of the person God intended for me to be. 

The road to becoming a man is not a well-marked one for me, especially in light of the fact that my own father chose to step out of my family circle and pursue his own interests.  I was raised being told that living a certain way was important and then when I become old enough to seriously pursue manhood and had secured a higher level of independence, my father turned his back on the very lifestyle he had raised me to believe in.

This is not to say I walk alone.  But it is to say that I have seen firsthand that we get a choice in life and those choices leave a mark.  I'll be honest, I had lived a lifetime under the guidance of godly father who acted honorably and with integrity.  And with one destructive decision, he wiped that from my memory.  I no longer remember what its like to have my father live in the same house as me.  In fact, if I try to imagine what it'd be like to wake up tomorrow morning to my father eating breakfast in the kitchen, that thought seems out of place.  Foreign.

 My father made his choice.  His lifetime of good was swept away in a day.  And even now, he has the potential to come back around.  To repair what he chose to destroy.  To take hold of what he willingly laid down.  To become a man of God again, not the shell of who he used to be.  It hit me hard last night.  Something simple.  Something I already knew in my head, but not in my heart.  I must choose who I become.

The man in the mirror that I spent 10 minutes staring at was both the villain and the hero of my future.  Within me, I saw darkness.  Anger and bitterness.  I also saw light.  I saw love and compassion.  Patience and a kind smile.  I have potential, indeed.  But which part of me to feed?

I do not walk through life alone.  But in choosing what kind of man I become, that is something I alone can do.  You cannot make that choice for me.  My mother cannot make that choice for me.  My pastor cannot choose which path I take.  By God's grace, the devil himself cannot choose what I become.

Every one of us has potential.  You have the potential for evil or the potential for good.  The choice is yours to make and to stick to day by day.  I have seen myself in the mirror.  I have seen what is within me.  And as my namesake said, as for me and my house...we shall serve the Lord.

I am Joshua Allan Ramos. The man in the mirror is me.  And while I accept that there is darkness in my heart, I make the hard choice to resist it.  To wage war on it.  To pursue Christ and the righteousness He offers me.  I seek to be a man of God.  That is my choice.  I pray to stick by that decision and work hard to uphold my honor and the name of the Lord my God.  I pray that I never give up on this quest, never yield the road to the villain within me, or that I abandon the code I am choosing to live by.  This is my oath of faith.  This is who I am choosing to become.

Who will you choose to become?

Monday, June 18, 2012

What to do About Westboro Baptist Church

 Below is my good friend and dear brother in Christ's blog post.  It was so good and mind turning that I felt the need to share it:

"There's a lot going on in the world right now. Heck, just America is a stressful place right now. But among the confusion and chaos, I want to look at something that pops up ever so often nowadays: Westboro.

When they first came out of the woodwork, you knew about it. Drawn signs of "God hates fags.," or "Pray for more dead soldiers.," flooded the media channels and stations that would continuously play the same clips of protestors at soldiers funerals.

And I must admit, I jumped in the bandwagon of "Anti-Westboro." But before I go any further, I must make it explicitly clear that I, in no way, agree with them or the message that they express. Now continuing on...Like the rest of America, I became infuriated with a people who would take the name of God, His Son, and His Spirit and drag them through the mud, using them to claim their own message instead of the story, life, and love of Christ.

But while in my storm of fury and fist shaking, there was a different thought that crossed my mind: Pray for Westboro.

And over time, that transformed from praying for them, to love them. And in that exact moment, God took everything He is, was, and will be, and smacked me across the face with it. In all my anger and fury I had built up towards them, I had forgotten the one most important lesson that I was taught for so many years before Westboro: Love the Lord your God; and *love* thy *neighbor* as *thyself*.

Love.

Yes, they have misdirection. Yes, they distort everything Christ. Will I be in their face given the chance I ever see them in person, absolutely! But if I forget to pray for them and love them like Christ loves you and me, then I'm not really any better than who they are.

There's the challenge. Is it accepted?"

What will you do with such a challenge?  Should Westboro stand alone in their confusion?  Shall we block them out and allow them to strike more wounds against the heart and soul of the American people?

We have a spiritual duty to our brothers and sisters in Christ to restore them and come alongside them and pull the knife from their hands with love and gentleness.  Isolating them does not solve the issue.  Is it not time that American Christians stopped being comfortable with passivity and watching from a distance?

We are at war, friends.  But our war is not against each other, but against the forces of Hell.  Satan would have us divided and hating each other.  He could not operate the same with a united body of Christ standing guard.  Are we willing to humble ourselves and love hard enough to strive for unity?

How will you answer my friend's challenge?  How will you answer the call of God?

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Human Rebound

 This past weekend, Pensacola suffered the 3rd wettest day of its history and the wettest day since 1979.  Many parts of the city were flooded and pictures circulated around the nation of parking lots that were supposed to be full of cars and you could barely see the top of the cars in all the water.  One of the more commonly circulated pictures was that of a Burger King that was flooded.  There was no parking lot.  And it was just as wet inside the building as it was outside it.  Then, as I was driving past it today, just two days after all the flooding, I saw it was open for business.  It has a yellow warning tape on some parts of the building and I'm sure the structure took on some water damage, but just a few days after the ordeal, it was "back on its feet".

This got me thinking about how people also were created to bounce back.  Our souls were forged from tougher stuff than bricks.  We can face tragedy and endure.  Like the Burger King, we do not bounce back fully operational...life leaves its scars.  It leaves its wounds.  But we limp on anyway.

The Human Rebound, I'm calling it.  Our innate capacity to recover and press on through circumstances.  There is no universal breaking point among humans.  There is no exact place in our lives where none of us can no longer move on.  In fact, I am finding that when we as individuals come to a place of breaking and giving up on hope and life itself, its because we made a choice to.  At some point, we concluded that it was in our best interest to roll up into a ball rather than live life.  We decided that the only option we had left was to stop trying and the absence of that effort would spare us pain, suffering, and agony.  

But you and I are made from stern stuff.  Our souls were created to be unyielding, unrelenting, and unstoppable.  Only the Creator Himself could tame us.  I believe that is our origin.  And slowly, since the days of Eden, humanity has drifted from its divine heritage.  We have sank deeper into a dark abyss and have forgotten our beginnings.  We like to start the beginning of human history in Genesis 3, not Genesis 1.  We are broken vessels because of sin, yes, but the blood of Christ redeems us! 

The Human Rebound is our heritage; our birthright as adopted children of God.  We have the divine calling to rise up and live hard.  All people have the instinctive drive to press onward.  But without a great hope, how can we hold out?  Jesus Christ is that great hope.  And salvation through faith in Christ secures our calling to endure, to bounce back, to rebound.  

When I examine my own life and the lives of the Christians around me, I do not see the rebounding spirit I wish I could see.  I see myself giving ground to the enemy when I ought to be fighting back and holding on.  I should be tightening my grip when things get heated.  I can worry about the blisters later.  I cling to a greater Hope.  I am without excuse.

We are without excuse.  There is no tragedy too great for us to give up on the life that God has specifically and purposefully set before us.  That is not to say that we do not hurt or that we do not suffer.   But when life gets too heated for us to handle, we must not make giving up an option.  

You are called to greatness.  You have been designed for a purpose.  Do not forsake that. The Lord is our refuge, our rock, and our shelter.  He is our King, our Redeemer, our Provider, and our Friend.  God covers all the bases for us.  He watches our backs even as He paves the road ahead of us.  We are not without help.  We are not without hope.

If you are my brother or sister in Christ, remember your heritage.  Do not forget the One who set you free from chains that were beyond your power.  You must not give up on God.  He will pull you through; keep trusting Him.

Rebound. Again and again...as many times as it takes.  Never give up your right to live.

Rebound.