As I am writing this tonight, I am in the midst of a deep emotional struggle. Tomorrow morning is my father's retirement ceremony. He will be retiring from the United States Navy after 20 years of service. I have never known life without my father in the military, so this is a significant event, to say the least. That, however, is only a piece to the puzzle.
As I have shared in past posts, my father is not the man of my household. He does not live with us and hasn't done so in going on 2 years now. My relationship with him is thin, stretched only when he insists we spend time together. This is because I have lost much respect for him because of what I feel to be a deep betrayal against my family. That aside, my time with him is awkward because he no longer knows me. He loves me still and does care about what I do with my life, but he has chosen not to be a part of it. He has removed himself from my mom's life completely and my sister and I see him from time to time. He sees my sister more so because she is younger and doesn't have as much of a choice.
All this being said, my family has endured the military life for 20 years as a family. As one. My mom, who has supported my father's career longer than anyone else in the world, is not invited to his retirement ceremony. Not that she'd go if she was invited, but it strikes me hard when I realize that this should be a great and happy day for my family, and yet the only one who is looking forward to it is my father. Out of respect of his position as my father, and the fact that I have put up with the Navy all my life, I am attending the ceremony along with my sister.
Tonight, as I pick out nice clothes to wear tomorrow, I feel more alone and abandoned by my father than I ever have since the day I watched him drive away almost 2 years ago. I want to support him and be happy for him in his success, especially feeling that part of it is my success as well...but it is difficult. This is one of those times when love hurts.
When I was a child, crying was not a normal thing, but it certainly wasn't unheard of. I had plenty of childhood heartbreaks. As a teen, those hurts continued, and the tears were still an occasional part of my grieving process. But in recent years, my heart has endured tragedy and betrayal in such a deep way, that is has grown hard. Tears do not fall often because life's curveballs just don't do much to you after you've watched your father pack his things and drive away with barely an hour's notice.
But tonight I cry. Tonight my heart breaks open the way it did when my father left. Right now, loving my father is the hardest thing I could possibly do. I want to hate him for being happy in his life, for daring to retire and leave my mom out in the cold when he wouldn't have made it as far as he did without her support. I want to strangle him for continuing to push himself in my sister's life and forcing her to remain torn between spending time with him and my mom. I want him to realize how much he has belittled himself in my eyes for turning his back on everything he told me was expected of a man. My dad is long gone and I am left with a shell of who he once was.
It is for this shell of a man that I go tomorrow to "celebrate". I am torn on the inside and tomorrow I shall wear the saddest smile I have ever faked. I will shake hands with all my father's coworkers and new buddies that I have never met and thank them for coming. I shall hug my distant relatives on his side of the family who I was never close to and tell them I'm glad to see them. I will look after my sister who will also suffer a great sense of loneliness and be the big brother she needs me to be. I will love my father and fake it for his sake, though he deserves nothing from me at this point.
This is the most difficult love I have ever felt. I go to support, smile, and celebrate with the source of the greatest pain I have ever experienced. I've been cut before, but never have I been expected to bare my chest and take the blows with a smile.
I can only pray that one day my father realizes what it is I suffer for him tomorrow. He does not truly know what he asks of me and my sister. But this is showing me that the reality of my father never coming back is a very possible reality and its time to stop waiting on him to come take up his responsibility again. My house needs a man to lead it and my mom should not have to carry this burden alone. It is time for me to step up. To take my father's place...
If you had told me when we still lived in Virginia that in 2 years, I would be trying to shoulder the responsibilities that the man of the house is expected to bear, I wouldn't have believed you. For the first time, I can grasp the realities of what Christ went through on the cross, offering Himself up for those He loved, even as they insulted, hurt, and refused to trust Him. I know that Jesus knows this pain and betrayal and I shall draw close to Him in this.
This is such a difficult love...but Jesus endured, and so I push on. And I know I can endure even more than what I've been given. Time to rise up as a man and stretch my breaking point. My family needs me.
How hard are you willing to love?
Oh Josh, my precious little brother, what needless pain we bear! I've never read anything so profound, so full of pain and anguish, and from someone so young. I hope you do not mind that I shared this with my circle of acquaintances and asked for prayer for you.
ReplyDeleteYou've expressed this in the truest of form and given your heart to it. I'm so grateful that you have this outlet (if none other) to express it in. I'm even more grateful that I didn't hear you apologize for it. I'm even more grateful than that for the chance to pray for you. And you, Joshua, ARE now the man of your house. It takes the thought process that you express here, to do what you will be doing there. You ARE the man now, in your home, in the lives of these two special ladies under your care, and in your world as you know it to be. I have no doubt that you will be the best brother and son that you can be. I have no doubt that the world has just gained a most beautiful gift. You've crossed from your boyhood into your manhood and you did it seamlessly and with great esteem, vision, and confidence. Give yourself that credit, son. You have earned it.
My heart breaks for you, and rightfully so. Whatever you say in return, do not apologize, please. It is with honor that I bear this burden with you in prayer and in my spirit. I do not see a weak man but a man who is gaining strength, wisdom, and momentum. You will surely rise above and find peace.
Sometimes men love themselves more than the worlds they have created. You, unfortunately have to suffer for that. But you won't always suffer. There's hope and peace to be had and after this event is over, you're going to be different. You'll see things differently with regards to your dad and your position in life. You'll take the reigns and you'll do what you must. Joshua, this is a pain that will pass. I promise it won't always hurt like this. This is the time for such pain, this is the season in your life that must needs be. God will use every tear to build you up and set you right.
Remember the commandment, "honor thy father and thy mother that ye may live a long life." It's the only commandment with promise. I tell my son (who has never really had his father either) that God didn't say, "honor them IF they're honorable and earn it," but just to "honor." Do your very best to honor him as being the father to your body and the sister you hold dear. Honor him for being the one that your God chose to bring you into the world. Remember, this is the now. Now becomes later and with that comes great hope of new changes and blessed gifts of light, love, and grace from God. We can never know the great things that are in store for us. Think of your dad as momentarily absent but not "gone." Try not to feel as if this is the final act in the play because it's not. You haven't seen anything yet (smiles big) for the Lord is capable of turning it all around on a dime!!! Smile in your heart and tell yourself that "this too will pass." Prayers going up for you son. Hang in there!!! I love you my dear little brother!!
Thank you, Kelline! Your words are deeply appreciated, heeded, and will not be forgotten. I will not apologize for my circumstances, but will continue in my effort to grow above it and be better because of it. :)
DeleteHello Josh,
ReplyDeleteDoes your father know how you feel? Surely if you have all those bad feelings inside you, it is you who will suffer most, even if you put on a 'smiley face' to suit the occasion. The 'love' that God requires of us is a love which keeps no record of wrongs. Sometimes God gives us an opportunity to speak about how we feel to someone who has caused us hurt. As long as we feel we can speak to the person without speaking harsh words which might stir up strife, then speaking about how you feel may take these feelings from inside you. Sometimes writing a letter is better. One thing that comes to my mind is how Job maintained his own ways because he knew that he could not come before God in a hypocrytical manner. The Lord understands we are flesh and, if you seek advice from Him through prayer, I am sure that he will give you wisdom to know what to do about this situation. I shall pray for you that these feelings of hatred will be dealt with in the manner that the Lord would want them dealt with.
God bless you in your christian walk.
Josh:
ReplyDeleteI just ran across this blog this morning and all I can say is that I know how much it took for you to get that out...and how much it needed to come out for your own good.
Trust in the One with the answers you are seeking and you know He will provide them.
BE the man that you are and be there for your Mom and your sister.
As I have said to you on other occasions: hold fast to that faith you have and know that it shall never fail you.
You just need a friend to talk to, you know how to find me.
With prayers for the healing you desire and in the brotherly love He taught us all...
Kenny