Courage. I always used to think of war and battle when I thought of courage. I would imagine someone stepping between someone else and the barrel of a gun. I would think of someone throwing themselves into the water to save someone from drowning. I would think of someone standing up in a crowded room and making a bold declaration. And while these things are certainly brave and courageous things to do, there is another side to courage.
I had a tough 2013 and 2014 has certainly had tremendous ups and downs. The past months have been far from fair, far from normal, and far from easy. I have cried more the past 6 months than I have in my whole life combined. And I have found myself in the midst of terrible heart-breaking situations where I could do nothing to help or make it stop. I have been hurt by the decisions of others and am learning what real forgiveness is all about. I am also learning how little control I have.
The pain I've suffered through would be extremely unpleasant for most people, but even more so for a controlling person like myself. I have had to watch people I care about suffer while suffering loss myself. And it has been so, so hard. Nobody ever asked me if I was okay with giving up the things I gave up. I had very little say in it. I had zero control.
I suffered terribly. And of course it still hurts. A lot sometimes. But through all this I am learning another side of courage that I never considered. The courage to let go. The courage to sit down and wait instead of jump to my feet in a rage. Trust me, I've got the rage part down.
But now I am learning a hard lesson on how to be brave and let go of what I want. Because I have a very clear picture of what I want. Problem is, I can't control people and I can't control the things around me.
This is also courage. To love something. Or someone. To want to pin all of your happiness on that. But instead choose to release it and let God do what He wills with it.
It is possible I will let go and in time, get back what I worked to let go of. That what I desire and imagine my happiness being right now will be exactly how it happens later.
It is also possible that there is something else for me. And while I don't want it right now because I am focused on what is in front of me, I need to release control to let God move me past where I am.
That doesn't mean giving up hope. I still have hope. And my heart is very sure about what will make it happy. But if I put all of my eggs in that basket, I will never look at any other baskets God may choose to put in front of me.
Courage is sacrificial. But it must also be trusting. And at this place in my life, I am learning to be brave and let go of the things and the people that I'm scared to lose. Not because I want to. Truthfully, part of me feels like I'm giving up hope by trying to let it go emotionally. But I have to trust God more than my heart. When my heart lines up with the direction God is pointing, great!
But sometimes that doesn't happen. Sometimes I have to be more brave than I want to be. And that is exactly what makes it courage.
