God is doing something in my heart right now. I have come to the realization within myself that my life isn't moving into the will of God. What I choose to think and how I choose to act with the time being given to me does not glorify Christ as it ought to. To be honest, I have grown comfortable in church world. I have grown complacent in pursuing my calling. For a long time now, I have been lazy, and not completely committed to anything in my life. Not 100% committed to pursuing my AA degree (I am one class short of graduating), I have not been 100% committed to my church; I have been content with being a leader at Refuge on Wednesday nights, but have not been emotionally attached much more than that lately. I have not been 100% committed to my family, allowing a passive mindset about some stuff going on to come between me and loved ones. I am certainly not 100% committed to my future, as I am still unclear about what I am actually supposed to do with my life, and the few leads I do have...well, I'm not at all at peace about doing that.
I recognize that emotionally, spiritually, even physically, I've been coasting and very content not to pursue anything great. And I have been content to be a bystander in my own life, not giving God room to do anything to grow, change, sharpen my character and my resolve in regards to His kingdom. I am restless in my soul, knowing that I'm meant for more, but have been unable to conjure the desire and motivation to step out and do some of those things. I would dare to say this about myself: I have intellectual maturity, but am finding myself short in the application part of maturity.
I have long been captured by my own dreams, desires, and plans for how my life should turn out. I have been consumed by my own happiness and afraid to commit to a plan that I might regret later. So I have left myself stuck in this idealistic fantasy of the way life might one way be...but doing nothing with the commands I am given for how to live in the present.
Put simply, I have been making myself very unhappy pursuing happiness. I have been unhappy because my soul is that of a warrior. My soul is a fighter, it is brave, and risky. It has deep loyalty to my King and His kingdom. But for a very long time now, I have been starving my soul of these things. I have settled for scraps of happiness in the dumpster out back when God has prepared for me to have a feast in His presence!
I have been missing out and I have long felt the emotional and spiritual strain of that. There is war in my heart and every area of my life is a battlefield. I have been very passive in picking a side and that passivity has drawn me into a dangerous place. It is very possible to be on God's side of the battlefield physically, but not be wholly committed in your heart. I have been there and I have seen that.
I know that one of my many short-comings is that I am very (very, very, very...) idealistic. I view society, family, myself through this lens of "higher purpose" and "nobility" and I become frustrated with "I look after my own and nothing else" kind of people. I am not frustrated because I am ignorant or naive about how the world works. Rather, I become frustrated because I expect so much from myself and others. The fault with being idealistic, however, is that I have this fear that when the pressure is upon me, my ideals will become unrealistic. I feel that I will cave in applying my own expectations. It is far easier, and far safer to expect and hope for more from people and to talk about life as a set of ideals, but to never have those ideals tested against the pains and frustrations of living life.
I am afraid of setting myself up to be a strong leader with integrity, strength, and bravery and then letting that standard collapse when it is no longer easy to live that way. And until now, I have not begun to pursue the resolve to be that kind of person always, no matter what is going on. Having a list of ideals that do not necessarily impact the way I live is much easier. But it is far from fulfilling.
But like I said, God has been working in my heart. He allowed me to see, quite clearly, why I've been struggling lately and the source of it has been because my heart was far away from Him. And I am renewing my desire for His heart. I am renewing my want to be doing what He calls me to and to be faithful with the commands that He gives me that I've been content to ignore. My life is still the same and the problems that go with it are still here. But I am seeking a new perspective and way of handling my life and in preparing for my future.
Psalm 139. The Lord knows my heart so well. He knows the sins I struggle with and cave under, he knows the dreams and hopes that I often put before His will, he knows all the moments where I had the opportunity to do the right thing and I stayed put. He knows my regrets and He was right there when I did things I am ashamed of. God knows everything about me and He chooses to desire and love me anyway.
I want to serve and fight for Him. Not because I deserve to, but because He welcomes me to it. And my very soul longs for it. Born of darkness, but adopted into the Light. That is what He did on my behalf and I want that kind of life. I really, really want it.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Moving Forward From Tragedy
In memory of September 11, 2001.
I remember where I was that morning. I was 9 years old and I was eating my breakfast and getting ready for school. I had this ritual, or this tradition of eating my cereal and watching cartoons weekday mornings before school. It was a Tuesday morning and I had come down for breakfast and, in my 9 year old mind, was upset that the news was on instead of my cartoons. I was used to bad things happening to people and was used to hearing about it only to forget about it moments later because it didn't affect me. It wasn't until the days and weeks after 9/11 that my young mind began to realize that this was something bigger, scarier, and much more tragic than anything I had seen on the news before.
As the years have passed, I understand much more and my heart aches much worse over the loss of life because of the daring attack on American soil. That Tuesday morning is no longer that one day where I didn't get to watch cartoons.
12 years have passed and my heart still hurts whenever this day comes around. And in my heart, I mourn along with my country. I will never forget that day. I will never forget seeing those planes crash into the Twin Towers and watching all that smoke on the TV. I will never forget. But what should I do with those thoughts burning in my mind?
It is proper and honorable to always remember that day. Not just the tragedy of lives lost in the attack itself, but also the lives lost of the brave men and women who ran towards danger and sacrificed themselves on the behalf of others. Their sacrifice is worth honoring. And our loss is worth mourning and remembering.
What I fear, though, and what I battle within myself, is letting my unwillingness to forget fester into hatred. I do not say this because I do not think the terrorists responsible should have been hunted down and punished; I do. Our nation was attacked aggressively and we had an obligation to respond with strength and determination. The military action that followed 9/11 was justified and right. We did not forget. And we did not relent until those responsible had paid the price. That is not what I mean when I talk about hatred.
In my personal life, I have seen the line between pursuing justice and being unjustly angry and bitter become blurred. I cannot speak to all Americans in this, but I can speak to all Christians in saying this: we may have a right to be angry. But we do not have a right to stay angry.
"Never forget" should not mean "stay angry". That is not the way to move forward. And I do not presume to say that all of America is still bitter and enraged over 9/11, but I know there are some that are. We ought to honor our dead, and remember how that tragedy caused our nation to become united in spirit, if even for a short time. But I believe that the time for anger has passed. I believe we would do well to allow for healing in that.
I speak of 9/11, yes, but these words come from somewhere deep and personal inside me also. While America pauses to remember a tragedy from 12 years ago, I find myself in the midst of a personal tragedy right now. And I would be lying if I said that this message wasn't more than just a memorial to what happened over a decade ago.
Sometimes in life things get broken. Relationships, dreams, plans...they do not always last. And sometimes the ending of those things can be tragic. But like 9/11, there are healthy ways to move forward and there are many wrong ways to do so.
As I grow older, I realize that not everything can be fixed. Not every wrong, every hurt can be undone and the pain within us banished. That is the nature of tragedy. But it is also the nature of love to not abandon our loss in the midst of our hurt, but to honor it and allow for healing, even if that healing means things won't be the same as they were before.
September 11th, 2001 changed America forever. But we can still heal and honor our loss in the midst of that tragedy, even as we can in our personal tragedies. We do not have to forget. And we are allowed to be angry and hurt. But we ought not stay in that dark place and we ought not abandon our obligation to honor what was lost, even in the mist of our pain. We must allow for healing, even knowing it doesn't make everything fixed and okay. We must move past the tragedy and continue forward.
I remember where I was that morning. I was 9 years old and I was eating my breakfast and getting ready for school. I had this ritual, or this tradition of eating my cereal and watching cartoons weekday mornings before school. It was a Tuesday morning and I had come down for breakfast and, in my 9 year old mind, was upset that the news was on instead of my cartoons. I was used to bad things happening to people and was used to hearing about it only to forget about it moments later because it didn't affect me. It wasn't until the days and weeks after 9/11 that my young mind began to realize that this was something bigger, scarier, and much more tragic than anything I had seen on the news before.
As the years have passed, I understand much more and my heart aches much worse over the loss of life because of the daring attack on American soil. That Tuesday morning is no longer that one day where I didn't get to watch cartoons.
12 years have passed and my heart still hurts whenever this day comes around. And in my heart, I mourn along with my country. I will never forget that day. I will never forget seeing those planes crash into the Twin Towers and watching all that smoke on the TV. I will never forget. But what should I do with those thoughts burning in my mind?
It is proper and honorable to always remember that day. Not just the tragedy of lives lost in the attack itself, but also the lives lost of the brave men and women who ran towards danger and sacrificed themselves on the behalf of others. Their sacrifice is worth honoring. And our loss is worth mourning and remembering.
What I fear, though, and what I battle within myself, is letting my unwillingness to forget fester into hatred. I do not say this because I do not think the terrorists responsible should have been hunted down and punished; I do. Our nation was attacked aggressively and we had an obligation to respond with strength and determination. The military action that followed 9/11 was justified and right. We did not forget. And we did not relent until those responsible had paid the price. That is not what I mean when I talk about hatred.
In my personal life, I have seen the line between pursuing justice and being unjustly angry and bitter become blurred. I cannot speak to all Americans in this, but I can speak to all Christians in saying this: we may have a right to be angry. But we do not have a right to stay angry.
"Never forget" should not mean "stay angry". That is not the way to move forward. And I do not presume to say that all of America is still bitter and enraged over 9/11, but I know there are some that are. We ought to honor our dead, and remember how that tragedy caused our nation to become united in spirit, if even for a short time. But I believe that the time for anger has passed. I believe we would do well to allow for healing in that.
I speak of 9/11, yes, but these words come from somewhere deep and personal inside me also. While America pauses to remember a tragedy from 12 years ago, I find myself in the midst of a personal tragedy right now. And I would be lying if I said that this message wasn't more than just a memorial to what happened over a decade ago.
Sometimes in life things get broken. Relationships, dreams, plans...they do not always last. And sometimes the ending of those things can be tragic. But like 9/11, there are healthy ways to move forward and there are many wrong ways to do so.
As I grow older, I realize that not everything can be fixed. Not every wrong, every hurt can be undone and the pain within us banished. That is the nature of tragedy. But it is also the nature of love to not abandon our loss in the midst of our hurt, but to honor it and allow for healing, even if that healing means things won't be the same as they were before.
September 11th, 2001 changed America forever. But we can still heal and honor our loss in the midst of that tragedy, even as we can in our personal tragedies. We do not have to forget. And we are allowed to be angry and hurt. But we ought not stay in that dark place and we ought not abandon our obligation to honor what was lost, even in the mist of our pain. We must allow for healing, even knowing it doesn't make everything fixed and okay. We must move past the tragedy and continue forward.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
What Happened to Our Society?
As I read and listen to the people around me, I am baffled by how opinionated our nation has become. I am amazed at how loudly individuals scream out to be heard and for their views to be counted as right and good. It doesn't matter whether or not their opinion is actually a good one, they scream out viciously to be recognized. I am not an expert in the social sciences, but I do not believe that posting a few enraged statuses or sharing a few political pictures is going to change the situation you are so upset about.
Now certainly, we have freedom of speech and ought to use this freedom, but that doesn't give us an excuse to slander others in disrespect and be arrogant in our own opinions...even if we're right!
I might just be more idealistic than most of the people I know, but I do not understand what moves someone to say or write some of the things that I see. There used to be such a thing as honor, integrity, and self-respect in one's actions, but every day I see people around me selling those values just to have their opinion heard, no matter the cost.
What they fail to see is that the delivery is just as important and influential as the content itself. Very often these days, I see stuff written on the internet that I agree with, but am ashamed about how it was said. We would trade the heart of truth for some wrapping that makes it stand out and forces people to take notice; even if that wrapping is inappropriate, offensive beyond necessity, or outright arrogant.
There are many hot issues out there today that just about anyone can scroll down a Facebook newsfeed and see. Whether the argument is ObamaCare, the quality of POTUS, our economic status, our foreign policies, our individual religious or political leanings, there are a lot of people out there with a lot of opinions. And there are many people out there with very good opinions that are being shared in very disrespectful ways...and we wonder why nobody listens?
I'll give you a couple of examples that I deal with personally. President Obama. Obviously, there are many opinions circling around him and his ability to lead. His policies, his background, even his personal life, are all up for debate. Personally, I did not vote him into office and I'm still not a fan. I know many people who would agree with this and I know there are many other people in the country who still like President Obama and support him and his decisions.
However! My opinion of the president does not give me the freedom to say whatever I want about him. The fact that I disagree with most of his presidential decisions doesn't mean I ought to disrespect him and the office he holds. Whether I like it or not, Mr. Obama is the President of the United States and that warrants him authority and respect. Our freedom of speech gives us a right, even a mandate to share our opinions and our desires as individuals and a nation, but we go too far when we forget virtues like honor and respect when we throw our temper tantrums publicly and without regard for anyone but ourselves.
Another example. I am a Christian and I hold to the Bible being the word of God. I believe that the word of God holds the utmost authority in my life and that the God who authored it is my God and is in control over everything. I recognize that this kind of view is narrow and is not shared, nor welcomed, by many in my society. Obviously, I hold to my opinion that my truth is right and anyone else's is wrong.
However! My being a Christian doesn't give me the right to "Bible bash" people over the head because they see things differently. I dishonor God and myself when I speak to others with hate and condemnation. It doesn't matter if what I say is truth when I discredit myself and my views in the way that I express them!
My opinion, your opinion...is it really that important? The need to be heard to satisfy that egotistical side of yourself does not do you any favors. What DOES matter is what we stand for. The idea we represent. Whether that idea is something spiritual, political, or physical, it is worth defending and worth defending honorably.
So when you speak, I challenge you to consider what your end game is. Are you speaking because it satisfies you to vent on Facebook about whatever is upsetting you? Do you think your venting is really going to change the situation?
Or are you speaking because you see an ideal that you love and support being threatened and you want to defend it? Remember, even in the defense of something worth fighting for, we can still discredit ourselves by our conduct.
Values like honor, integrity, and respect are becoming harder and harder to find in the many views and opinions circulating our society. And more and more, what we think becomes less and less relevant when we sell the integrity of our words for the sake of being heard and noticed.
Please. Be part of the solution. Do not sell away your reputation with others for the chance to vent and attack someone or something with your opinions. Remember your honor. Respect yourself and offer others that same respect, even when they don't act in a way that deserves it. Be someone of fairness and integrity. That matters much more than any individual opinion.
Now certainly, we have freedom of speech and ought to use this freedom, but that doesn't give us an excuse to slander others in disrespect and be arrogant in our own opinions...even if we're right!
I might just be more idealistic than most of the people I know, but I do not understand what moves someone to say or write some of the things that I see. There used to be such a thing as honor, integrity, and self-respect in one's actions, but every day I see people around me selling those values just to have their opinion heard, no matter the cost.
What they fail to see is that the delivery is just as important and influential as the content itself. Very often these days, I see stuff written on the internet that I agree with, but am ashamed about how it was said. We would trade the heart of truth for some wrapping that makes it stand out and forces people to take notice; even if that wrapping is inappropriate, offensive beyond necessity, or outright arrogant.
There are many hot issues out there today that just about anyone can scroll down a Facebook newsfeed and see. Whether the argument is ObamaCare, the quality of POTUS, our economic status, our foreign policies, our individual religious or political leanings, there are a lot of people out there with a lot of opinions. And there are many people out there with very good opinions that are being shared in very disrespectful ways...and we wonder why nobody listens?
I'll give you a couple of examples that I deal with personally. President Obama. Obviously, there are many opinions circling around him and his ability to lead. His policies, his background, even his personal life, are all up for debate. Personally, I did not vote him into office and I'm still not a fan. I know many people who would agree with this and I know there are many other people in the country who still like President Obama and support him and his decisions.
However! My opinion of the president does not give me the freedom to say whatever I want about him. The fact that I disagree with most of his presidential decisions doesn't mean I ought to disrespect him and the office he holds. Whether I like it or not, Mr. Obama is the President of the United States and that warrants him authority and respect. Our freedom of speech gives us a right, even a mandate to share our opinions and our desires as individuals and a nation, but we go too far when we forget virtues like honor and respect when we throw our temper tantrums publicly and without regard for anyone but ourselves.
Another example. I am a Christian and I hold to the Bible being the word of God. I believe that the word of God holds the utmost authority in my life and that the God who authored it is my God and is in control over everything. I recognize that this kind of view is narrow and is not shared, nor welcomed, by many in my society. Obviously, I hold to my opinion that my truth is right and anyone else's is wrong.
However! My being a Christian doesn't give me the right to "Bible bash" people over the head because they see things differently. I dishonor God and myself when I speak to others with hate and condemnation. It doesn't matter if what I say is truth when I discredit myself and my views in the way that I express them!
My opinion, your opinion...is it really that important? The need to be heard to satisfy that egotistical side of yourself does not do you any favors. What DOES matter is what we stand for. The idea we represent. Whether that idea is something spiritual, political, or physical, it is worth defending and worth defending honorably.
So when you speak, I challenge you to consider what your end game is. Are you speaking because it satisfies you to vent on Facebook about whatever is upsetting you? Do you think your venting is really going to change the situation?
Or are you speaking because you see an ideal that you love and support being threatened and you want to defend it? Remember, even in the defense of something worth fighting for, we can still discredit ourselves by our conduct.
Values like honor, integrity, and respect are becoming harder and harder to find in the many views and opinions circulating our society. And more and more, what we think becomes less and less relevant when we sell the integrity of our words for the sake of being heard and noticed.
Please. Be part of the solution. Do not sell away your reputation with others for the chance to vent and attack someone or something with your opinions. Remember your honor. Respect yourself and offer others that same respect, even when they don't act in a way that deserves it. Be someone of fairness and integrity. That matters much more than any individual opinion.
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