God is doing something in my heart right now. I have come to the realization within myself that my life isn't moving into the will of God. What I choose to think and how I choose to act with the time being given to me does not glorify Christ as it ought to. To be honest, I have grown comfortable in church world. I have grown complacent in pursuing my calling. For a long time now, I have been lazy, and not completely committed to anything in my life. Not 100% committed to pursuing my AA degree (I am one class short of graduating), I have not been 100% committed to my church; I have been content with being a leader at Refuge on Wednesday nights, but have not been emotionally attached much more than that lately. I have not been 100% committed to my family, allowing a passive mindset about some stuff going on to come between me and loved ones. I am certainly not 100% committed to my future, as I am still unclear about what I am actually supposed to do with my life, and the few leads I do have...well, I'm not at all at peace about doing that.
I recognize that emotionally, spiritually, even physically, I've been coasting and very content not to pursue anything great. And I have been content to be a bystander in my own life, not giving God room to do anything to grow, change, sharpen my character and my resolve in regards to His kingdom. I am restless in my soul, knowing that I'm meant for more, but have been unable to conjure the desire and motivation to step out and do some of those things. I would dare to say this about myself: I have intellectual maturity, but am finding myself short in the application part of maturity.
I have long been captured by my own dreams, desires, and plans for how my life should turn out. I have been consumed by my own happiness and afraid to commit to a plan that I might regret later. So I have left myself stuck in this idealistic fantasy of the way life might one way be...but doing nothing with the commands I am given for how to live in the present.
Put simply, I have been making myself very unhappy pursuing happiness. I have been unhappy because my soul is that of a warrior. My soul is a fighter, it is brave, and risky. It has deep loyalty to my King and His kingdom. But for a very long time now, I have been starving my soul of these things. I have settled for scraps of happiness in the dumpster out back when God has prepared for me to have a feast in His presence!
I have been missing out and I have long felt the emotional and spiritual strain of that. There is war in my heart and every area of my life is a battlefield. I have been very passive in picking a side and that passivity has drawn me into a dangerous place. It is very possible to be on God's side of the battlefield physically, but not be wholly committed in your heart. I have been there and I have seen that.
I know that one of my many short-comings is that I am very (very, very, very...) idealistic. I view society, family, myself through this lens of "higher purpose" and "nobility" and I become frustrated with "I look after my own and nothing else" kind of people. I am not frustrated because I am ignorant or naive about how the world works. Rather, I become frustrated because I expect so much from myself and others. The fault with being idealistic, however, is that I have this fear that when the pressure is upon me, my ideals will become unrealistic. I feel that I will cave in applying my own expectations. It is far easier, and far safer to expect and hope for more from people and to talk about life as a set of ideals, but to never have those ideals tested against the pains and frustrations of living life.
I am afraid of setting myself up to be a strong leader with integrity, strength, and bravery and then letting that standard collapse when it is no longer easy to live that way. And until now, I have not begun to pursue the resolve to be that kind of person always, no matter what is going on. Having a list of ideals that do not necessarily impact the way I live is much easier. But it is far from fulfilling.
But like I said, God has been working in my heart. He allowed me to see, quite clearly, why I've been struggling lately and the source of it has been because my heart was far away from Him. And I am renewing my desire for His heart. I am renewing my want to be doing what He calls me to and to be faithful with the commands that He gives me that I've been content to ignore. My life is still the same and the problems that go with it are still here. But I am seeking a new perspective and way of handling my life and in preparing for my future.
Psalm 139. The Lord knows my heart so well. He knows the sins I struggle with and cave under, he knows the dreams and hopes that I often put before His will, he knows all the moments where I had the opportunity to do the right thing and I stayed put. He knows my regrets and He was right there when I did things I am ashamed of. God knows everything about me and He chooses to desire and love me anyway.
I want to serve and fight for Him. Not because I deserve to, but because He welcomes me to it. And my very soul longs for it. Born of darkness, but adopted into the Light. That is what He did on my behalf and I want that kind of life. I really, really want it.
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