Cheers To Mistakes

Today is an important day to me.  This day marks the 3rd anniversary of one of the my most risky decisions.  Three years ago today I threw my heart into something having no idea how it would result.  It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Today, life for me is different.  The results of that decision hurt.  Even today, my heartstrings are strained.  Things did not go as planned.  I made mistakes and circumstances ended some of the happiest days of my life.

For months afterwards, I grappled with myself.  Anger...regret...and then more anger.  I had taken a gamble and loved the results for almost two years.  But then the dice rolled where I wished them to not go and my world was rocked.  My tower of happiness was toppling and I was ticked that I had taken such a risk.  I made myself miserable for months.

I was a fool.  Selfish, un-focused, stubborn...I wore my heart on my sleeve and hated my risky decision because of the pain it brought.  I was quick to dismiss the many months of happiness and contentment that it provided.

To this day I bear the scar of my decision.  And the pain is still real.  But...I am no longer fearful to harbor the pain.  To embrace my hurt and accept it.

I have since realized that I do not regret the decision made three years ago.  It remains one of my most treasured moments.  But I was reckless in my speech and my actions.  I made myself hard to handle.  And it cost me much more than I was ever willing to give up...

But cheers to mistakes.  Salutes to the pain.  The bleeding my heart has done this day and every day since reminds me that I live still.  And the scars are a constant reminder of the risks of happiness.

The hurt keeps me vigilant to not repeat my mistakes.  You see, wise men are just fools with a good memory.  They are not better than the rest of us; they just learn from their pain.  I have determined to be wise.

Three long years later, my life looks nothing like it did when I risked my heart as a young, ignorant 15 year old.  I am harder; I have experienced deep pain.  I have faced and have been asked to live with betrayal.  I have uprooted my whole way of life and now live among different people in a place I never expected to be.  I am changed.

There is a blessing in mistakes.  They rip your heart apart so that you learn to survive them and grow stronger.  I would not have been able to handle the past year without the pain of my risk three years ago.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss what I had.  But had I not experienced the rough pain that kicked me until I stood up and faced it...I couldn't have handled what was coming.

Cheers to mistakes.